I am a man and a feminist

“How comfortable is it for them to identify as the most superior gender that are considered the flag bearers of the society? How comfortable is it for them to step outside their homes without being questioned upon? Several similar questions ponder upon the minds of all the women and other nonbinary when they fall slaves to the patriarchal society that celebrates masculinity above everything else. Patriarchal society has managed to give us a false expression of being benefactory to the males and oppressing the females. Whileall of us will surely that women are constantly looked down upon and have to fight for basic rights that are entitled to all human beings,patriarchy has not made the lives of men a cakewalk. The opportunity cost of being an “alpha male” in a patriarchal society is too high to bear for a human being- An issue other genders do not focus upon and men being the sole benefactors of this thrashing system are not supposed to talk about.

Society has been successful in enforcing gender stereotypes right from the day we are born, where males are made to wear blue and women pink; and continues throughout adulthood where phrases like “real men drink scotch” are common. Males are exposed to this “toxic masculinity” right from the beginning when they are not supposed to cry and vent their feelings out because apparently, they have dysfunctional tear glands. When a man expresses his vulnerability, he is either mocked upon or scolded to “act more like a man”. They have to constantly live up to this myth of unrealistic masculinity that forces them inside a box- one I prefer to call the man box, to bottle up their feelings because if they do so, they become the weak pillars and how are these fragile pillars supposed to sustain their family? This uncalled burden that the society puts upon their shoulders makes them crumble as human beings, unable to express themselves truly. The society needs to understand that beyond the celebrated macho image lies a human being, as emotional and sensitive as other genders, who should be given equal treatment while communicating their vulnerability to be cared upon.

Gender stereotypes affect all genders indiscriminately. It is shocking to see that in a crime cultured society, violence by men is encouraged upon. When a girl is handed a Barbie Doll at the age of four, we give our sons nerf guns to play with. This is not only prevalent in childhood stages but throughout our lives when gun manufacturing companies like Bushmaster use the slogans like “get a gun and approve your man card”.If the same son picks up a barbie at a toy store, he is told “don’t act like a girl”, becauseapparently today, being masculine means not being feminine at all. A boy is not supposed to be afraid of roller coaster rides in Disneyland. Bullying by boys and fighting amongst themselves are justified on the grounds that “boys will be boys”. In the teenage years when human beings already undergo severe change physically, mentally, and emotionally, there is an added peer pressure which constantly demands the proof of masculinity by them “getting some action”. A boy not having a high sexual appetite is not validated as a man and motivated by phrases like “man up”. A boy who chooses dancing than playing football is mocked upon. Not only that, once grown up, men need to look and act like the “so-celebrated men” in the society. If they shave their legs, they are ridiculed at. If they take care of their skin, they are ridiculed at. If they use too many beauty products, they are ridiculed at. If they go on to drink wine, they are ridiculed at. With so many present biases and misconceptions in the society, breaking the patriarchal nature of the society is as important for men as it is for women because this process will lead to their liberation too.

When the society puts men on a pedestal, they also put them responsible as bread earners for their family. Hence, there exists unspoken restrictions inflicted upon them in terms of career choices. They are supposed to compete for high salaried jobs than pursue their dream jobs because that is how they are supposed to act. The role of a father is also highly unrecognised by the society. The mother is expected with parenting and nurturing the children and taking responsibility for her child’s behaviour. However, the role of a father in a child’s life is as important as that of a mother. Real freedom of choice will come when every individual is free to choose a career that makes them happy. Stay at home dads are highly looked down upon. One obstacle they constantly have to deal with is breaking stigmas and stereotypes. They are wrongly portrayed as clueless and lacking masculinity and society isolates them which breaks down self confidence and may lead to adverse health effects like depression. This is the cost men have to pay for not conforming to the traditional views of masculinity. If they go forward to choose careers that “are women oriented” according to the society like teaching, dancing, freelancing etc, the society takes away their “tag of masculinity” because they are not earning enough. An interesting study also found out that whenever a country is faced with an economic turmoil, the number of deaths by suicide rises substantially in men because they lose jobs, but more importantly, their status as breadwinners and conquerors.

A severe consequence of this patriarchal structure can be seen in the statistics of the effects of women earning more than their counterparts. When researchers were monitoring a control group for unhealthy behaviours, such as smoking or drinking, they found that men who earned less than their wives for an extended period of time experienced poorer health outcomes, shorter life expectancy and increased chances of cardiovascular problems like diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, hypertension and stroke. Because of the observable increase in men’s anxieties in these familial arrangements, researchers believe that these men lose the only sense of connection to their identity as breadwinners. Violating the code of idealized masculinity can be such a point of stress for men that it strains their overall health.

(Trigger Warning) There is no logical way to deny that we live in a society that perpetuates rape and rape culture. Our society has been historically set up in a way that makes rape, sexual violence, or romantic manipulation not only possible, but rather a normal, expected occurrence for many people. However, the hyper masculinity has internalised the idea that men cannot be raped, harassed, or subjected to violence. Boys often end up ignoring the possibility of sexual assaults and when it happens, they find it hard to believe. On this subject, research data produces a very grotesque picture. A report by Ministry of Women and Child Development, and research paper by Mannat Singh reveals that among the participants of the study on CSA, about 54.4% of boys and 45.6% of girls were victims of sexual assault, about 40% were 5–12 years of age. From the reports, it is patent that boys are also highly vulnerable to abuse in patriarchal setup. But patriarchal mindset does not care about their safety, fills their psyche with confidence that “men cannot be abused” or if they do, they need to keep it a secret.

This patriarchal set up makes sure that men’s mental health is not given much importance to. Phrases like “do not waste your hard-earned money on a therapist” are common. According to research by Norwegian sociologist and men’s studies expert Oystein Gullvag Holter, there is a direct correlation between the state of gender equality in a country and male well-being, as measured by factors such as welfare, mental health, fertility and suicide. Men (and women) in more gender-equal countries in Europe are less likely to get divorced, be depressed or die as a result ofviolence. In an article by The British Psychological Society it is explained that, “the construction of masculinities is believed to be one of the most important factors influencing the way in which suicide is discussed, contemplated and enacted by men.” Even though a woman is thrice as likely to commit suicide, the number of deaths by suicide is twice in men than that of a woman because of using more violent means.A research also found out that men who do not see themselves as masculine overcompensate and are more likely to act aggressively towards other genders. The three most common causes of death in men were elucidated as follows- exposure to physical hazards (because why not? a man is supposed to overcome these), taking more risks (again a sign of an alpha man) and not visiting a doctor hence unable to identify diseases (well, men are not encouraged to go to the doctors for smallest of health hazards, are they?). We can call these the “man-made diseases” or more aptly, the “patriarchal made diseases”, which we need to do away with it.This as a vicious cycle where stereotypes are forced upon them and breaking this stereotype makes them preys of the same stereotype where they are expected to have courage and compete to win.

The world should take inspiration from Iceland. The World Economic Forum had ranked it No. 1 in gender equality for an entire decade. In fact, Icelandic men enjoy the highest life expectancy in Europe. They live almost as long as women do. It is because how great it is for men, too. Iceland offers a model that could be widely adopted elsewhere in the world. It helps to show that changing men’s ideas about what it means to be a man, and lifting up women in the process, doesn’t make men worse off — In fact, it has far-reaching benefits to their lives.

It is evident that the patriarchal structure has far reaching harmful consequences for men too. As it unfolds, men themselves get affected in several ways. This is exactly why men should be feminists too- Feminism as a movement aims to break down the patriarchal structure and offers equal opportunity to men and women in all aspects of life. When women do well, men will too. Feminism as a movement too cannot succeed until it sheds light to the real issues men deal with. It is high time now that we unlearn years of conditioning, stereotyping and learn empathy. We have to liberate our souls from the concept of genders (he/she) to the concept of humanity (you and me). Our upcoming generation should make sure that being an “alpha-male” or being “hyper masculine” is not something to aspire to, what everyone needs to aspire to is to look beyond gender and identify people as emotional, vulnerable and caring creatures capable of bringing about a change in the society.

REFERENCES AND FURTHUR READING

1. https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/why-the-patriarchy-is-killing-men/2019/09/12/2490fa7e-d3ea-11e9-86ac-0f250cc91758_story.html

2. https://feminisminindia.com/2019/02/20/patriarchy-harmful-men-boys/

3. https://medium.com/v-a-l-l-e-y/how-patriarchy-negatively-impacts-men-1d04d348f6a5#:~:text=Patriarchal%20society%20perpetuates%20toxic%20masculinity,negative%20parenting%20techniques%20and%20expectations.

4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4311357/#ref9